Olde but a goodie

This may be old news to all you engineer types, but I got a kick outof it...

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machineuseful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out ofyour hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flingsyour beer across the room, denting the freshly-paintedproject which you had carefully set in the corner wherenothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under theworkbench with the speed of light. Also removesfingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers inabout the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning poprivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to makestuds too short.PLIERS: Used to round offbolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation ofblood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electricsanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobsinto major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: Oneof a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. Ittransforms human energy into a crooked,unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt toinfluence its course, the more dismal your futurebecomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used afterpliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing elseis available, they can also be used to transfer intensewelding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lightingvarious flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handyfor igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of whichyou want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonlyused to launch wood projectiles for testing wallintegrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the groundafter you haveinstalled your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handlefirmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shopsto cutgood aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into thetrash can after you cut on the inside of the line insteadof the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strengthof everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum sealsunder lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cansand splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, asthe name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool foropening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert commonslotted screws into non-removable screws and butcheringyour palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used tocrumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket youneeded to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses tooshort.

HAMMER: Originally employed as aweapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind ofdivining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacentthe object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents ofcardboard cartons delivered to your front door; worksparticularly well on contents such as seats, vinylrecords, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especiallyuseful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across thegarage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the nexttool that you will need.